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Andrew Klavan’s Leftese Dictionary: C is for Constitution

October 3, 2019


– C is for Constitution. According to leftists, The
Constitution is the sacred law of the land bequeathed
to us for the greatest political thinkers of all time. No, I’m kidding they hate it. You see The Constitution
enumerates or specifies the powers of the federal
government so that Americans know that all other powers not
mentioned in the Constitution belong to the individual and the state and local governments. That’s not so good for
leftists because they want the federal government
to be able to control and limit your businesses,
your associations, your speech, your religious practices, and
anything else they don’t like. Now, the Constitution would prevent that. Unfortunately according to leftists, the Constitution is a living document. It’s not like other boring old documents that just lie around with words on them that have the same old
meanings all the time. No, as a living document, the Constitution can just wake up in the
middle of the night, drift into its study and
entirely rewrite itself so that by morning you’d
hardly even recognize it. For instance, the
Constitution used to give the federal government absolutely no power to regulate what laws the
states made regarding sex or marriage or abortion. And that was no good because
leftists know exactly what everyone should think and do about sex and marriage and abortion, so there shouldn’t be
any disagreement allowed. But remember, the Constitution is alive. So one day a living
Constitution was sitting down on the back porch washing
down a bree smeared slice of almond cake with a glass of Chardonnay when suddenly it had a
wonderful idea and lept up from the porch swing so very
quickly that The New Yorker fell from its lap before
it even had a chance to finish the 30,000
word essay on the life of French feminist
lithographer Louise Hervieu. “I know.”, the Constitution said. “I’ll just insert some new
words into the penumbra “of my emanations. “You won’t be able to see the words. “In fact, you won’t be
able to see the penumbras “and emanations either, “but you’ll know the new
words are there all right “because five unelected
justices will say they’re there. “And that will make
them magically appear.” Lickety split as quick as you
can say democracy is a thing of the past, the
Constitution rewrote itself and now allows the federal government to do just about anything it wants. Yes, a living document
is an amazing thing. You can put all the words
in it you like and yet they still remain almost
entirely meaningless until they mean exactly
what leftists want them to. C is for Constitution. I’m Andrew Klavan and this
is the leftese dictionary.

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