Tonight: Penguins, are they just little men in tuxedos? Our 12-part expose may shock you. Teen pregnancy is on the rise. Are you missing out? Learn how you can get in on the action. The hottest teen hookup spots in the city review. All of this and more on tonight’s “News to Me” When things happen in the world that are important enough to talk about on TV, well, that’s news to me. Good evening, America. I’m Chip Chapley Embattled oil CEO Tex Masterson retracts half-hearted apology for the most recent spill in the Gulf, says quote “I just hate fish “I fucking hate birds and fish fuck them fuck them all to death.” In crime news, man robs five at knifepoint Police continue to urge citizens not to visit Knife Pointe America. It’s one of the good countries, but is it ready to settle down? A Florida man thinks so. Spunky field reporter Abby Babble has more in tonight’s top top story I’m here with Clayton Calhoun, the man who in a private ceremony yesterday married America Mr. Calhoun, how did these unusual nuptials come about? Well, I was getting drunk underneath my pickup with Zeke and Hugh and Roger and little Rog and big Zeke and shootin’ off at the mouth about how much I love America and little Rog said, “damn it Clayton if and you love America so much Why don’t you just marry it?” So I said “Fuck you, little Raj! Get out from under my pickup, you dilapidated ass crack!” But the next day I pawned off my first edition of Withering Heights and bought America a ring. And have you always been a proponent of same-sex marriage? Eh, Pardon? Same-sex marriage. America is a man.
America the Beautiful is a classy as fuck lady Miss Babble Thank you very much
America is overweight Short-tempered loves guns and takes all its friends for granted. America is a dude, bro. What about Lady Liberty? What about Uncle Sam? But, but? You live in Florida, America’s dingus. But uh, I never I mean. Mr. Calhoun said the happy couple planned to spend their honeymoon in San Diego, which we all know is America’s butthole. This is Abby Babble from Jacksonville, Florida signing off. Thanks, Abby. You know I’ve always thought it was America and Erica not America and Steve. Which part of America would you have sex with? Take our online viewer poll and let us know. Opinions. America was founded by men with opinions. Opinions about how to govern and who gets to own land and who gets to own whom. It’s time for opinions Everybody has them. Tonight we’re joined by two neighbors who have opposing viewpoints about a hot-button issue Timothy Riordan welcome. Thanks chip. You know, the Constitution grants me the right to have and express whatever opinion I want, no matter who it offends. That it does. I remember reading that somewhere. But my neighbor Todd it doesn’t think I should be able to express myself in my opinions We’re joined now by Todd Stansbury. Todd, why can’t you accept Timothy’s opinions? Because his opinion is that he should murder me! Interesting. Timothy you want to murder Todd? Yes chip, that’s right! I want to kill him with a knife or maybe a gun. and this opinion offends you Todd? Uh, yes I live every day in fear for my life. Why can’t you just live and let live. That’s the point. He doesn’t want to let me live He wants to kill me! With a knife! See?! Or a gun. Now the argument extends beyond your opinions Timothy and also into how you express yourself through clothing, correct? That’s right. He says I wear symbols and imagery that offend him. Todd, is it possible that you’re taking these symbols and imagery out of context? His shirt has a picture of me with a knife through my head, and the words “kill all Todd Stansburys”. Hey hey, but he wears a shirt I don’t like too. He has it on now. Is this true Todd? Yes! It says if I end up stabbed or shot, it was definitely Timothy Riordan that murdered me. Todd can you really call someone a murderer without being a murderer yourself? Yes! Thank you Gentlemen. You have given us a lot to think about. And at Knife Pointe life goes a little slower and ends a little sooner You know some say the lifeblood of America runs through Knife Pointe and all over it as well, so grab yourself a one-way ticket tonight for a day and treat yourself to your last vacation Please be aware that almost everyone gets stabbed at Knife Pointe, USA Please consult your doctor before visiting Knife Pointe. Knife Pointe is not a safe place for children or anybody. This message brought to you by the Knife Pointe Tourism Board Welcome back I’m Chip Chapley one neighbor who wants to murder the other, and another neighbor who doesn’t want to be murdered at all. Two differing opinions each with subtle nuances. who can say who’s right? In America, no one can. I’ll leave you with this parting thought. If you as an American can’t kill the people that bother you just because you want to, well that’s news to me. Goodnight.