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Scottish Parliament bans the term ginger bread men replacing it with ginger bread people

February 15, 2020


GREG: GINGERBREAD MAN IS NOW GINGER BREAD PAN. BALANCE PARLIAMENT IS REMOVED THE PHRASE GINGERBREAD MAN, FROM THE COFFEE SHOP IN ITS BUILDING AND THAT WILL SELL HOLIDAY COOKIES AS INTERBRED PEOPLE. IT’S NOT TO APPEAR SEXIST. IN OTHER NEWS, ALAN HAS A PARLIAMENT. [LAUGHTER] BUT THAT IS NOT THE ONLY HOLIDAY CRAFT THAT MAKES US WANT TO PUKE. A SURVEY CONDUCTED BY A DESIGN COMPANY SHOWED PEOPLE WOULD PREFER TO MODERNIZE SANTA BY DITCHING THE BIG RED SUIT FOR SKINNY JEANS. IT WOULD BE REPLACED BY A FLYING CAR AND GIVING THE GUY A FEW TATTOOS AND AN IPHONE. GREAT. WE EMASCULATE GINGERBREAD MEN, FAN HOLIDAY SONGS BECAUSE THEY ARE SEXIST AND WE WANT SANTA TO LOOK LIKE A MEMBER OF MAROON FIVE. [LAUGHTER] SO, IF THAT IS WHAT THOSE PEOPLE WANT, FINE. HERE’S YOUR PC SANTA. ♪>>WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? THIS CAME FROM MOTHER EARTH. ORGANIC AND PURE FROM THE DIVINE SOIL OF OUR PLANET.>>CHRISTMAS TREE?>>HOLIDAY TREE. YOU ARE CONTRIBUTING TO A MOBILE EPIDEMIC.>>IT’S A TRADITION TRADITION HAS BEEN USED TO EMBROIL HATRED AND JUSTIFY OPPRESSION OF MINORITY GROUPS, NOT TO MENTION THE UNRELATED GROWTH OF GLOBAL CORPORATIONS.>>WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?>>I’M TAKING THIS. ♪>>HONEY, IT’S BEAUTIFUL ABSOLUTELY NOT.>>THIS KIND OF ELITIST GIFTGIVING IS A HALLMARK OF THE BOURGEOISIE. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?>>YOU RUINED IT. NOW WE CAN ALL ENJOY IT. ♪>>WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?>>SANTA, LITTLE SOMETHING FROM THE KIDS.>>CALL ME CHRIS WITH A K. COOKIE? I’M GLUTEN-FREE. DON’T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE SUGAR INDUSTRY? THEY’VE MANIPULATIVE STUDIES AND POLITICIANS FOR YEARS TO COVER UP FOR THEIR POISONOUS PRODUCTS NOT TO MENTION THEIR OBESITY EPIDEMIC AND INCREASED MORTALITY RATES FROM HEART DISEASE ALL TAKE A KALE SMOOTHIE.>>WHAT ABOUT A CARROT FOR THE REINDEER?>>I DON’T USE REINDEER FOR THAT’S ANIMAL CRUELTY. I DRIVE A CHEVY VOLT. ♪>>OKAY. TIME TO MEET SANTA CLAUS. HO, HO, HO. REPORTER:>>NOT OKAY. HO IS MISOGYNISTIC SLANDER. ESPECIALLY WITH KIDS SITTING IN MY LAP.>>SHE JUST WANTS TO SHOW YOU THIS BOOKLET IS BACK HE’LL HAVE TO SIGN A CAN BET CONSENT FORM SIGNED THAT ALL PARTIES INVOLVED AGREE AND CONFIRM THAT THIS IS A PROFESSIONAL AND PLATONIC NATURE. SIGN RIGHT HERE. AND I NEED YOUR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER. INITIAL HERE. MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME. AND INITIAL RIGHT THERE. INITIAL HERE. [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] GREG: THAT’S GARY STUFF. THAT KID COULD ACT. ADAM, SANTA IS KNOWN FOR HIS LOOK. ISN’T NOTHING SACRED?>>NOT ONLY KNOWN FOR HIS LOOK FOR BASED ON A REAL PERSON. ALL THIS UPDATE SANTA CLAUS IS A LEGEND BUT SAINT NICLAS WAS A REAL GUY. IT’S LIKE TAKING A SURVEY THAT SHOULD ABRAHAM LINCOLN SHOULD HAVE A SOUL PATCH AND DREADLOCKS. YOU CAN’T UPDATE THE LOOK. GREG: THIS IS TROUBLING, DANA. WHAT IS NEXT? WHAT WILL THEY DO TO THE EASTER BUNNY? WILL THEY TURN IT INTO A RABID RACCOON? I HATE RACCOONS.>>HAVE ONLY A FERRET. THEY MIGHT FIND IT IN YOUR BASEMENT. GREG: THAT’S RIGHT.>>A LOT OF COMPLEMENTS, WHAT ELSE WOULD IT BE? I HAVE NO IDEA. TYRUS: WE ALL KNOW.>>I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT WOULD MEAN. YOUR TEAM DOES AN AMAZING JOB. THAT WAS A GREAT PIECE. GREG: WE ARE QUITE GOOD AT WHAT WE DO. TOO BAD WE HAD LET THE TALL GUY GO. [LAUGHTER] HE COST TOO MUCH. TYRUS. THE PROBLEM WITH PC THOUGHT IS THAT WHEREVER IT GOES IT SAPS OUT FUN. IT’S A FUN RULE REMOVAL MACHINE. GREG: YEAH, THE FUN POLICE ARE TRYING TO ELIMINATE ANYTHING THAT MIGHT HURT SOMEONE’S FEELINGS. TYRUS: THAT USED TO BE A JOB FOR ME AND WIVES BUT NOW — LOOK, THAT’S WHERE THE TERM CAME FROM. SORRY, GUYS, GOT TO GO. IT’S THE FUN POLICE. GREG: THAT THE ORIGIN? TYRUS: MEN ARE COWARDS. YOU KNOW DAMN RIGHT WELL WHERE THE FUN POLICE IS. JUST BECAUSE SHE’S SITTING NEXT TO YOU, DON’T BE AFRAID TO LOOK AT HER AND SAY YOU ARE THE FUN POLICE AND RUIN CARD GAMES, MOST FOOTBALL GAMES, ANY SPORTING EVENT OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. EVERYONE KNOWS IT. [LAUGHTER] BUNCH OF COWARDS. YOU MAKE ME SICK. GOD, IF MINE WAS HERE I WOULD NOT FIT EITHER. [LAUGHTER] THE THING IS — WHY ARE WE GIVING THESE PEOPLE A VOICE? I GUARANTEE IT WAS A TWEET OR SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WALKED IN THE DOOR AND MADE A COMPLAINT BUT WHERE ARE ALL THESE COMPLAINTS? BRING THAT TO ME. I’M CONCERNED WITH GINGERBREAD MEN BEING GINGERBREAD MEN. I WOULD SAY YOU SHOULD SEE MY GINGERBREAD MAN. HE IS GIFTED. I WOULD GIVE YOU A REASON TO CALL HIM GINGERBREAD MAN. ALL MY GINGER BREAD MAN, ARE IN A CHANGE THE GINGERBREAD HOUSE TO — MAKE ANY GINGERBREAD PERSON YOU WANT. GINGERBREAD WOMAN, GINGERBREAD CHILD. GREG: MAKE A GINGERBREAD HOUSE INTO A YURT. TYRUS: YOU CAN CALL IT THAT WE CAN TAKE AWAY THE MAN PART. A COOKIE. IT’S SEASONAL. YOU DON’T HAVE TO — GET AN OREO. THERE IS NO SEX AT THE BOTTOM OF AN OREO, IS THERE? GREG: LET’S MOVE ON. CAT, YOU WROTE EXACTLY ON THIS? THOUGHTS? KAT: THE WHOLE REASON THEY DECIDED TO CHANGE THE NAME OF THE COOKIE WAS BECAUSE IT WAS REVEALED THAT A LOT OF WOMEN IN PARLIAMENT WERE BEING SEXUALLY HARASSED. THIS WAS THEIR SOLUTION, RIGHT? I WAS ONE OF THESE WOMEN AND ACTUALLY ENTERING THE NIGHTMARE OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT AT MY JOB AND HEARD THIS WAS THE SOLUTION I’D BE LIKE [BLEEP] YOUR COOKIE. I’M BEING SEXUALLY HARASSED. [APPLAUSE] THIS WILL NOT DO ANYTHING. IT WILL NOT SOLVE THE PROBLEM. THESE PREDATORY MEN WHO OUT THERE WILL NOT SAY IT’S GINGERBREAD PERSON SO I GUESS I’LL STOP TELLING SUSAN HER ASS LOOKS NICE WHEN SHE COMES TO THE OFFICE. IT WILL NOT MAKE A DIFFERENCE ALLOWS THEM TO PAT THEMSELVES ON THE BACK LIKE WE DID SOMETHING AND WERE SUCH FEMINIST. NO, YOU’RE NOT FIT IT JUST MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER. THE SELF-CONGRATULATORY GARBAGE. [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] TYRUS: DO YOU KNOW WHAT, KAT? THEY PAT THE WOMEN ON THE BACK AFTER THEY DO THAT WITH THEIR SEASONAL COOKIE. THEN THEY ONLY HAVE TO BEHAVE HALF THE YEAR. GREG: I’M AMAZED THIS IS PARLIAMENT. THESE ARE PEOPLE THAT ARE PAID. KAT: THESE ARE THE PEOPLE TRYING TO PASS INDEPENDENCE FOR SCOTLAND. TYRUS: VOTE AGAINST IT.>>LIKE THEIR GOVERNMENT SHOULD SHUT DOWN. THEY RUN OUT OF THINGS. [INAUDIBLE CONVERSATIONS] GREG: I WOULD LOVE OUR GOVERNMENT TO FOCUS ON GINGERBREAD MEN. BY THE WAY, HOW DO THEY NOT KNOW THE GINGERBREAD MAN MIGHT NOT BE WOMAN IDENTIFIED AS A MAN TONIGHT. TYRUS: BECAUSE OF THE SONG. GREG: IT MAKES ME SICK TO MY

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