texting. rhyming. pat buchanan fail. // Auto-Tune the News #7

September 23, 2019

JE: Let’s get it right. ABS: Let’s get it right. JE: Shawty on the mic. [gunshots] AH: The fact is that right now if you are black or hispanic,
you have a much greater chance of being arrested. JE: Are you sayin we got thugs in the fuzz?
AH: Particularly when it comes to the war on drugs. JE/ABS: Real talk, we got caught together smokin lettuce leaves.
JE: Lettuce leaves.
ABS: They threw me in the slammer. JE: They gave me a college degree!
ABS: WTF? JE: In biology.
ABS: He don’t know a tiger from a giraffe. [gunshots] DB: It is painful, it is shameful.
ABS: Disdainful! I’m on parole. JE: I’m keepin my glass of champagne full
top of the world.
ABS: Brick on my ankle. DB: If you are stopped by the police
Putcha head down and just wait. / ALL: Wait! / DB: Wait. / ALL: Wait!… DB: Don’t say nothin.
ABS: Shh! /DB: Wait… DB: Putcha head down
ALL: Do the dance now!…Putcha head down! AH: This is going on all the time
It’s really stunning PB: This has been a country built by white folks.
100% of the people who wrote the Constitution, 100% of the people who signed the Declaration of Independence, White folks, Whi–i–i–ite folks! I look at the track team, and they’re all black folks.
I think maybe those are the fastest guys we got. Fastest guys in the country,
Fastest in the wooooorld. Black folks, Bla—a–a–ack folks! SG: WTF? I think I’m having an stroke,
Suffering a white guy overload. Doctor, doctor, can a shawty get a shot to the frontal lobe.
OH. AS: It’s not always just black and white, black and white.
We’re fighting right now for a young white male Who we felt the police abused by sticking something in his rectum.
EG: Why they gotta disrespect him? SG: Can we please move on now, Reverend?
AS: Sticking something in his rectum. [PB Bass solo] DL: Trouble, we got trouble right here in Capitol City.
With a capitol T, and it rhymes with B, that stands for broke! CC: We broke!
DL: Right here in Capitol City, right here, we gotta figure out
a way to help the Americans who are about to choke! CC: No joke!
DL: Oh yes we’ve got trouble. Trouble, trouble. CC: Triple trouble.
DL: Trouble, trouble. CC: Big time trouble.
DL: T! Rhymes with –
CC: P! DL: Rhymes with –
CC: C!
DL: Rhymes with –
CC: G! AG: I’m angry!!
DL: Rhymes with D. And it stands for Democrat. KC: Texting while driving is dangerous, dangerous. EG/SG: Treacherous!
MG: Perilous! KC: People who were text messaging were 20 times
more likely to have an accident than those who were
talking on phones instead of typing. Just say no.
EG: But I’m a sucker for peer pressure. My thumbs can’t stop! KC: Get a designated texter.
MG: [sexy breathing] Ow! KC: People on the road can turn an LOL into a great big OMG. ALL: People on the road can turn an LOL into a great big OMG…

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