The Problem With Pete | (Ep 7, Pt 1) The Unsleeping City
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The Problem With Pete | (Ep 7, Pt 1) The Unsleeping City

October 9, 2019

(dramatic music)
– The umbral arcana is rent here. All of the tears in the umbral arcana here are connected to their
puppet master, Pete. You feel the presence of insects, the buildings are covered
in horrifying, gross webs, and you see a horrifying
wasp centaur woman. The fist on your golden ring glows bright. Flames streaks off your fist, and you obliterate this bug-lady’s head. (group laughs) – I’m looking through the
hole and I’m like, awesome. – The gran gato looks
over, however, and says, “Something is missing from
the shelves of the bodega.” – Oh no, did the cockroach take something? – You look up, and you guys see a shattered piece of glass on the back, and underneath it it
says, written in gold, the key to the city. (upbeat music) Welcome, one and all, to another episode of “The Unsleeping City.” We return to find our intrepid heroes, say hi, intrepid heroes. – [All] Hi, intrepid heroes! – I love it. Our intrepid heroes are
in a Astoria, Queens, as the dreaming insect vault, these vermians from the realm of Nod are (sucks in air) sucked
back through the rent that is stitched together and sealed with magic from seeds from Pete. Those of you still in combat mode, watch as the insects and
bugsters all disappear. You arrive in the Irish pub, down the block, still somewhat covered in webs, as people sort of leave and walk away. Some of you look worse
for wear than others. – We had a fun night. (group laughing) – I’m trying to get on your level. – You guys all convene in this pub, you begin to hear the noise of people, rushing away outside. The umbral arcana slowly
starts to seep back in. You guys can feel it, those of you who are familiar with it, but you see Sophia, very injured, and Pete with this kind
of wild dream magic receding from his eyes. What do you guys do as you hear the far away sound of distant sirens? – I think I need some calories in me, ’cause I’m a little drunk, so I’m gonna see if they have a Guinness. – I was just gonna say
I’m getting a Guinness. You are kidding me! – It’s 10 o’clock in the morning. – All right, you’re (beep) up, you’re (beep) up.
– We both start pouring Guinnesses for ourselves. – I’ll take a Guinness if
we’re gonna have Guinness. – All right, no thank you! Stop!
– Do you want one? – Aww, he isn’t even drink–
– Nobody is drinking a damn– – This is like, four–
– Shut the (beep) up, Pete. – Pete!
– No, Pete, what the (beep) is going on?
– What was that? You caused the bugs?
– Pete! I’d like to slap the Guinness out of Pete’s hand.
– No! (glass crashing) – Pete, what the (beep) was that? – Look, man, all right, I’ll explain. – Smack!
(group laughing) – Okay, look, I don’t know
how I caused that, okay? Your guess is as good as mine, and you know what? I just feel like… – There’s a tap? (group laughs) – All right, there are police coming, and now we’re destroying — – I lay on hands you for 15. – Oh, Mr. March, okay.
– Are you okay? – Yeah, I’m doing okay.
– Is anyone else hurt? – Nah, man.
– No, I’m good, but if you wanna lay ya hands on me. – Should we run to that bodega? – Let’s go back to the bodega.
– Absolutely. Yeah, yeah. – You guys rush back to the bodega. You see La Grande Gata
on the counter perched. She looks over at you and goes, “Ahh, my chosen, “you have returned here to the bodega.” – What do you wish of me? Anything you wish.
– She’s so drunk. – This is why–
– She’s so drunk. – The umbral arcana is so important. – She bent the knee to a cat. – I am your champion, what do you need? – I will come to you in my own time, in a way you cannot expect, walk the streets of this New York City. And I will come to you when
it is time for you to fight. – Okay, I’ll be waiting, but not in an impatient, desperate way. – You see the cat leaps
up onto your shoulder and nuzzles your face. – We’ll leave, you can have him. – Yeah, yeah, what is happening? – You’ll wait for the cat?
– Chinny rubs, chinny rubs, chinny rubs.
– Ahhh. (cat purring) – Her tails goes, oh her back, oh. It feels almost too good. She looks at you and
says, “Miha, know this, “you have a special role to play “in the times to come.”
– Okay. – You are not the first
woman to turn to a cat when her marriage has fallen apart. – Yes, I know, I’m very
aware I’m treading in (laughs) a dangerous territory, here. But you’re gonna be my only cat, so. – And I will be your only cat, for you have sworn yourself to my service. (magical music) The cat disappears. You guys see that your ring and your little compact sea shell mirror gleam with light. – (gasps) Cool! I offer you a cigarette.
– Look at how many pages! – I take it. – Any other cool stuff? (all laughing) – You guys, the bodega,
at the disappearance of La Grande Gata, has gone back to a more standard, the gold and ancient
wonders have disappeared, but you’re welcome to search around, if you wanna search around in the bodega. It can be an investigation check. – Yes!
– I’ll do it, sure. (die clatters)
– 19! – If we’re all doin’ it.
– Oh, I have– – I have nat 20!
(group yells) I’m gonna check around a non-magical bodega.
– Finally! – Oh, mine is 20 banana. – I also got a 19.
– Hey! – Jesus Christ. – Did I get an advantage on it, now? – No, you do not get an
advantage on investigate. – What’d you get? – Five.
– Aww. – Aww, Ricky meant– – Can I look for something for Ricky? – Yes, you can look for something, I’ll say with that Nat 20, too, you guys root around. – Yeah, I got a 15, I can see if I can find something
for Mr. March, over there. Mr. March, Mr. March. – You guys find a couple of items here. They’re not as gleaming
and wondrous as the were when the spirit of the cat was
present here in the bodega. You find a couple different things. You find, Kagrash, you
are scooting around. By the way, the bodega
owner is still here, kinda looking at you guys scooting around, looking for stuff. You find an extremely
fascinating-looking bagel, up in the bagel tray. It’s an everything bagel, and as you look at the toppings
of the everything bagel, it truly seems like this
bagel has everything. – My god. – Is it the bagel of infinite holding? (group laughing) – You can add lox and lox and
lox, and it never doesn’t fit in your mouth.
– You scoop the bagel, and you can put whatever you want in it. – I don’t think of us
have an Identify spell, so some of these artifacts
are a bit mysterious, but you find an incredibly
potent, magical bagel. – Well maybe I’m magical,
maybe that’s my magic. I put my hand on it to identify it. – Cool, you reach out, do you have access to the identify spell? You put your hand out, and it’s a fine bagel, it’s
not H&H or anything, but. – I’d eat this one quick, ’cause it’s good. – Don’t eat it man, don’t eat it. – Ricky’s having a hard
time finding anything. You also find something
up in the little thing of 10 Hour Energies, you find something that is
labeled 1000 Hour Energy. – I need that. (group laughing) – This thing called 1000 Hour Energy. – Ricky, you’re the only one I trust not to abuse this.
– Thank you, thank you. – Let me just taste it, man.
– No, get out of here. – Let me just taste it.
– I put it in my little belt pocket. – Kingston, you find a bottle of, over by the laundry detergent, there’s something called
Holy Grail laundry detergent. – Great, can I take that over
to the counter and pay for it? – Sure, you see the bodega owner, he goes, oh, great, that’ll be $12.50. – Oh, that’s a little
expensive for detergent. I mean, I’m gonna pay it, I’m just sayin’. – This is pretty good detergent. – Okay, premium detergent? – Yes.
– I got it, y’know. It’s my treat.
– No, I’m gonna pay for it. I mean, it’s just $12 for
detergent, it’s a lot, right? I get Tide for eight. – It’s for 64 loads.
– Oh, I didn’t see that. I didn’t see it was 64 loads.
– I hand you $5. – No, I don’t need anybody’s money. – I take it and walk out.
– I give $5,000 in a wad. – I slap the — – And Pete, you actually
find a little hold over, from when it was a little
bit more golden in here, underneath one of the shelves, you find a chunk of gold that you think, at first, is like a bracelet or something. But then you see is
actually a diamond flecked golden grill for your teeth.
– No. – Yep.
– Oh god, I hate this. – You are skanky enough.
– I have been warned about cultural appropriation before,
– Pete, Pete. – So I will not be wearing this. – You might wanna rinse that off before you put that in your mouth. – I don’t know, it doesn’t…
– It’s fine. – Why don’t you turn it into a necklace? – I put it in my mouth? How do I look?
– You look so cool! – You guys suddenly hear, as
the sirens approach closer, you hear (vibrating thuds), you see Alejandro,
Esther, Anna, and Emilia all teleport right outside of the bodega. Alejandro steps in, you
see Esther walks out, and begins doing something
to affect the umbral arcana. Anna and Emilia rush
over, preparing some kind of enchantment spell
as the police close in. Alejandro walks in the bodega, looking at all the
carnage and destruction, goes, “What has happened here?” – Pete happened. – This can’t control his. – I didn’t, no, I was in a dream, and I let these bugsters
into the real life, but it was a dream. I thought I could just do whatever. I didn’t think that it would
really happen in real life. – What part of your situation
remains unclear to you? You are the voice of the dreaming realm. Since you have come here, in the past, it is Monday morning. Since Saturday, Santa
Claus has been mugged, his sled broken. Did you just micro dose?
– Hmm? – Right now?
– No. – I’m gonna need you to
make a constitution save. – It was a regular dose. (die clatters) – 19. – You see that Alejandro raises up to try to lift you up off the ground with telekinesis, and instead, you anchor there
(echoing wooshing) and everything else in the bodega starts floating around you.
(eerie music) Alejandro looks totally surprised by this magical event occurring, looks back at you. You hear voices in your head start to go, he shouldn’t get to, he shouldn’t, he shouldn’t get to tell you what to do. He’s just jealous of your power. Let him know what real power feels like. I’m gonna need a wild magic surge roll. (die clatters) – 14.
– Cool. What does Pete do? I really like Alejandro, I think I’m ignoring
those voices a little bit, so, I say sorry. I’m sorry, man. How do I work on this? Also, what does this grill do? – Where did you find that? – Found it on the ground
underneath a shelf. I was flat on the ground in this bodega. – You are… – Special. Hm? Sorry, I’m so sorry. – You are a–
– Brave. Sorry. – He whips his cap off and says, “Real people’s lives are at steak!” – Okay, okay. – You are a fool! You are a (stutters). Why do you not seem to care? The real cost of what these actions are. These beings were released
into the real world! People died! Pete hears the voices again say, you owe these people nothing. We can take you away from here. You don’t have to be
yelled at by these people. What do they know of your life, your pain, your struggle? There’s nothing for you here. – I take more acid to quiet the voices. – Go ahead and give me
another wild magic roll. – Great. 18. – Cool. You’re keeping the magic
down as much as you can, but you can tell that while
you’re being yelled at, this is stressing you out.
– Yeah, yeah. – And you can feel while
you have control on it, that it’s gonna keep being a fight, while you’re here getting yelled at. – Can we see kinda
what’s going on, at all? – Anyone make an arcana
check that wants to. – Yeah.
– Okay. (dice clattering) – Six.
– Six. – 12. – Oh. A 12! (woman laughs) – You guys, I don’t think, can
fully see what’s happening, at this moment. – Can I, like, pop open the door and say, I’m just gonna smoke, I’m
still listening, Alejandro. – I wanna try to interrupt.
– Sure. – And just go up to Esther and tell her that someone took the key to the city. – She looks and goes, the key, one of the Grande Gato’s wonders? – Yes.
– Yeah, they’re going across 59th Street bridge. – She says, okay, do either
of you want to follow them, or see if you can track them down? – I’ll go for it.
– Yeah, of course, yeah. – Awesome. You guys, are you just gonna take off, or are you gonna let them
know that you’re going? – You guys wanna go chase this key? – Yeah, I mean.
– Sure, can we take your bus? – Yeah, you can take my bus. Go ahead. – Cool, now, locate object
has a range of 1,000 feet, so I’m actually gonna
need an investigate check from Ricky, to see if you
can keep up with this thing, as it’s going over the bridge. – Can I use Fine Steed, too–
– Yeah. – And just chase after it on my steed? – I think you–
– Or is it… – You may absolutely cast, well, first of all, give
me the investigate check to see if you can even
locate where this thing is. – Okay, I got 18. – 18. Yeah, you sense it heading
over the bridge fast, but you’re gonna have to hoof it. – Okay.
– What about pawing it? – Cool, Ricky, you’re going to need help chasing this thing down. How does Ricky summon his steed? – I just had become a dog, right? – Yeah.
– And so I’m feeling this sort of canine energy in me, and I know I have to get over there. So, just calling out to
the dogs of the world. (mimicking dog howling) (group laughing) Howl. – You reach out and call
to these dog spirits. You guys see a flash of morning light. The sun coming up, it is about, like, 10 o’clock in the morning, and you see, running around the corner, this beautiful, red, fire
hydrant golden light. Like time slows down,
and the most beautiful Dalmatian in the world–
– Yes. – Starts running. (mimicking dog barking), begins to rush towards Ricky, and leaps, leaps up into your arms. (dog panting) – I lick it back. (group laughing) (mimicking dog panting) – You’re my best friend
in the whole world! – You’re my best friend.
– Whoa, it can talk?! – Oh, sorry, that’s
only Ricky hearing that. – Oh, okay.
– Can I hear it, too? – Yeah, you can hear it, too.
– Awesome. – You’re my best friend. I need some help finding
something, right now. – Okay.
– A big gold key. – Big gold key.
– Can I get on your back, or can I just run with you? – As you run alongside your Dalmatian, you find that your
speed greatly increases, as you enjoy running alongside your dog. – I’m just having an incredible time. – Incredible time. So, Ricky sprints off. – I’d like to turn into a dog as well. Just a real busted dalmatian, though. Tongue permanently out.
– Up from inbreeding. – You see that your dog looks
over at Kagrash and goes, something’s wrong with that dog. (group giggling) – This is fun, guys. – Cool, you guys, I
think, even with the bus, are probably not going to be
hoofing it as fast as Ricky and his dog and Kagrash are. Does anyone else join them, or is it Kagrash and Ricky
peeling off to go chase them? – Can I talk to Alejandro? – Yeah, you see Anna and Emelia kinda handling the cops. Esther and Alejandro both
look very serious and downcast as you guys are in the bodega. Also, by the way, I will say, as you guys take off, it’s
10 a.m. Monday morning, so, like, Ricky, your
shift starts, in like, an hour and a half. And Kingston, you have rehearsal and stuff coming up. – Yeah, I gotta get to work. – You gotta get to work. – My schedule’s open.
– Kagrash is always open. And yeah, and Pete, you step outside to smoke, so you’re out in front of the bodega. So this is I think
Ester, Sophia, Kingston, and Misty, and Alejandro are all in the bodega, still. – Yeah, I think if they’re safe, I’ll just chill in the bodega. – Cool, awesome. Alejandro looks over at you, Kingston. (sighs) This is very bad.
– Tell me about it. – I am. Listen, Pete is a troubled young man. – Mmm-hmm.
– He’s very, very cool. – Hey, I like the kid a lot, but this… My man, you gotta… What flavor? – Oh, this melon passion fruit guava. – Why’d I even ask? You know what, you’re right. I like the kid, but this is bad stuff. – Perhaps we should, we
have plenty of work here, trying to clean up this mess and restore the umbral arcana. Maybe it would do for us
to meet later tonight. And have a discussion
about what is to be done. – I got a bunch of
leftover salad at my place, if you just wanna… – Did that keep? – It’s salad. We could probably get a day out of salad. – Sorry to interject, I’m pretty sure I was
good with the Tupperware before we left.
– Okay, great. – Sorry, I’m out, I’m gone. – Okay, sure, we can come
by and have some salad at your place.
– Great. – You know, Alejandro, I think they have discontinued those
fruit flavored Juul pods, so maybe you should stock up on them, before they disappear. – Okay, nobody needs
to be stocking up on– – So you know.
– Really? – Yeah.
– Oh. – Kids were smoking them. They were like chocolate banana flavored. – There’s a chocolate banana flavor? – Probably.
– That sounds good. – Oh, the rules.
– I’m gonna show you pictures of popcorn lung when you come
over to my place, tonight. I’m gonna show you
pictures of popcorn lung, and you are going to rethink– – Kingston, I am 92-years-old, a little popcorn lung is not a bad way for me to go out, and it tastes so good. You can smoke it inside, it’s just vapor. – Okay, you can not smoke it inside. Laws are changing, okay stop, stop. I look over at the owner.
– A flock of smoke, of vapor pigeons flies out of his mouth. – All right. – Wonderful, so, what’s
Pete doing outside, as he’s, like, catching up with himself? – I think I’m just kind
of pacing and angry. – Yeah, your phone lights up
with a little text from Preah. – Great. Cool, I read it.
– It does not address any of the things in your
wall of texts to your ex. It says, what’s your schedule
like today, question mark. – Ew. (laughs) I write back I’m free before 5:00 p.m. – A response back. Splendid, do you think we could
grab a quick cup of coffee? Wanted to talk to you about us. – I leave it on read for a little while. (all laughing) – Vicious. – Yeah, wonderful. You also have messages from seven– You also have been sleeping
at Kingston’s place, and… – Yeah, I really wanna check in with my, like, my criminal network and see if anyone knows who Robert is. Or, like, do some investigating instead of meeting up with him.
– Awesome. Do you want to send those questions over electronic messaging,
or do you wanna be like, hey, let’s meet up and talk, and ask them in person? – I wanna make a couple stops
and ask some people in person. – Cool, so I think, Pete, you just dip. – Okay. – Pete dips.
– I only look in through the window and say bye to Kingston. – Nothing.
– Oh-ho-ho. – Sophia sees this and is really hurt. – I feel bad, but I just didn’t want to talk to Alejandro again. – I look at the cigarette
that you gave me and, like, I guess it meant nothing. – Do I have, do I have Sophia’s number? – Yes, I believe you have Sophia’s– – I text like, had to dip, bye Sophia. – Okay, I instantly feel great. (all laughing) – Incredible. We’ll cut over first, an 18 is awesome. So, Ricky, you are sprinting at the pace of a full running dog.
– For the city! – You just, like, rip across
the 59th Street bridge with the two dalmatians, you’ve got the gleaming ax in your hand, you rip across the bridge. 18, you manage to keep this, you’re like, sniffing
out this key yourself. You get a little message from Esther, it actually is like a magical
message, not on your phone. She says, the key to the city is a very powerful magical artifact. Its signature should be easy to read. There are certain pockets of the city that are dead zones, where things are hard to divine or scry. Try to get it before you get to one of those dead zones. I’m gonna need, these
are like running checks. I’m actually gonna need
constitution checks from you, and your dog,
to like set the pace. Kagrash as well.
– Cool, are these, like, saving throws?
– Sweet. – Or just straight up?
– They’re actually checks. Nothing bad’s happened to you. It’s about you full speed running after a vehicle, trying to
catch up with it, basically. – Cool. (dice clattering) – 11? – Natural three.
– Okay, go ahead and give me a roll for your steed as well. – Okay, I don’t know what I
would add to that, though. – By the way, what’s the name of your wonderful, sweet dog?
– Oh. – You can take a moment to
think about it, if you want. – Yeah, I’ll take a second. – Oh my god, I can’t
wait for you to debut it. (die clatters)
– I can’t wait till it debuts. – And then for the mount, I rolled a 15. And do I add my constitution to that? – You would add just plus one. – Okay, so 16 for that. – Cool. Your magical dog, your magical dalmatian, is keeping up. Kagrash, you have a hard time, your lungs. (breathing heavily) – C’mon, Kang!
– So fast, kid, your stupid, magic dog, I hate my life. Why did I follow you,
you’re in such good shape. – It’s awesome exercise.
– You. – Kagrash, you’re hurting, it’s a hard time you have. Ricky, you could probably
keep up with the car, but you’d be leaving Kagrash behind. – It’s fine, (beep) me,
go, you stupid kid, go. Beautiful boy, you absolute. – Are you really?
– Are you okay? – Go yourself, Ricky.
– All right, awesome. – Ricky, you are just sprinting. The awnings of delis and storefronts, and the little umbrellas of hot dog carts flutter in the wind as you just sprint down the street. Your dog is just like (barking), running beside you.
– I just thought of the dog’s name is Ox. – Ox? – Yeah!
– A-U-X? – [GM] Ricky! – Yeah! – Ricky, this is the
best time in the world! You’re my best friend. I love to–
– You’re my best friend. – I love to help.
– You’re helping me a ton. – It’s incredible.
– Animal control had descended on you.
(all laughing) – Great.
– Calling 9-1-1 about a strange dog.
– I also need you to, weirdly, make a stealth check for me, as you catch up on the vehicle, to see if it doesn’t spot you. – It was a car. – How could nobody spot this hot man and his beautiful dog? – I, uh, rolled a 12. – Okay, I’m gonna make
a little roll back here. – People are already Instagramming him and he’s famous, hashtag
trending on Twitter. – Oh, but do I–
– You have disadvantage on stealth.
– Okay, so. (die clatters) So 10, oh, wait, no, seven. – Gotcha. – You have disadvantage on stealth, why? – ‘Cause of plate, I guess? – Ricky has the effect of plate armor, which normally gives you
disadvantage on stealth, but we’re saying that
Ricky doesn’t have plate, but has the armor class and
doesn’t have the disadvantage, but is too hot, so, it’s hard to be stealthy.
– People just notice him? – His muscles, he has so much bulk. – He’s got them big thick pants. – Yeah, he’s already
fully trending, online. – Like, limit is. – Actually, yeah, I’m gonna say a bunch of people…
– Posted this hot guy running. – Cheering for me.
– Hot guy running with dog. – Hash tag beauty and the beast. – Like, Misty, you’re on
your way out of the bodega, you look at your social media, and there’s like, an
incredible thing of , like, ooh, March in December,
what’s this hashtag? Ooh, Mr. March has posed a lot. (all laughing) Yeah, a lot of incredible things. I’m gonna just make a little
roll back here, real quick. You see, as you’re running, Ricky, while you’re sprinting down the street, there are a lot of opportunities like someone’s baby stroller almost
goes out into the street, and you, like, push it back against them. Someone like, I’m dropping all these pies. Wow, thanks Mr. March!
– Smells great! (all laughing) – Just another perfect day
for the luckiest, hottest man in New York.
– Tom Cruise’s characters are all based on him. Just following behind
like, how can I do this? How can I bring this to my next role? – Incredible. – I barrel through all of
these people 15 minutes later. – And you ruin everything, you kick the baby, you crush the pies.
– Jump over the baby. – Ricky, give me one
last investigate check. – ‘Kay, c’mon. (die clatters) Where’s my investigation. Okay, five.
– Five, cool. You rolled a lot of really
great clatters in a row. You sprint down through Manhattan, you get up onto the FDR, going down the East River, running in between cars. You get all the way down
to the Financial District. As you get there, your
divine sense tingles, a little bit. You’re down on Wall Street, and it is busy down here, but there is a faint aura
of death around this place. Your locate object spell goes blank, and kind of disappears, and you see that Aux kind of
huddles up behind your legs and crouches down.
– C’mere, c’mere, c’mere. – Big dog jumps up in your arms. – Just looking around,
holding my dalmatian. – Like a giant baby.
– Oh my god. Everybody in the world
has heard of you now. – Something’s off here.
– So this beautiful man is holding a huge dog.
– Ellen is on the phone being, like, what are you up to, this week? – We need him, I need him.
– I take a selfie with the dog and send it to Esther, like, made it to the Financial District. Something’s off here, smells like death. How are you? – She responds, very busy at the moment. Thank you for the update. You, with that five, lose the car here, but you do have a sense of
the five or six block area where you kinda had line of sight. Like, couldn’t have gotten that far. Couldn’t have gotten that far. So there’s a couple blocks or buildings where you think it probably landed or could be in this area. And it’s the center of Wall Street, like from, y’know, Trinity
Place and the church down Wall Street a couple blocks, down to Stone Street,
maybe up to Gold Street on the other side. There’s like this couple block radius. But, these are high rise buildings, it is like a war and like a hive here of different places and buildings and companies and stuff like that. – Okay.
– Did he ever see the van, or was he just following the–
– Never got close enough. I don’t think any of your, none of your investigate checks beat a 20, I don’t think, right?
– I don’t think so, no. – So you never actually
got full line of sight to the vehicle, but you sensed it with your spell. – Okay, well, I guess I start a group text? I don’t know if we have one going. – Pete’s on an Android,
so it’s all in green. – Hey, I don’t (beep) with Apple, okay? All you sheeple. – Made it to the Financial District, don’t see it anymore. There’s something wrong here. – Wonderful, and then you get a text from the fire chief, Kevin, being like, hey Rick, just making sure
you’re coming in, today. – Oh shit. I just text him back, on my way. And then, just one last
look, and then head out. – Woo! You see Aux jumps out and
starts walking along beside you. (mimicking dog panting) – Aux, you’ve been great,
and I’ll see you soon, but you can go be light, I guess. – Okay, if you want me to be light, I can! Do you want me to go be light?
– Yes. (sharp pitch whining) – Expands and just, like,
diffuses into light. – Aww. – I run to the fire
station ’cause I need to. – Cool, you to the fire station. For those that are leaving the bodega, what are you guys off to go do. Obviously, some of you have work. – Yeah, I have to go to rehearsal, which I have not been to for–
– Well, everybody can get on the bus, and the
bus can drop people off wherever they need to be.
– Cool. – Oh, and by the way, I was
talking to Willie, last night. He said the Lazarus we
might be looking for might have something to do
with the Statue of Liberty, or something like that. – God damn it, I’m stupid.
– What? – Emma Lazarus, it’s not
Lazarus from the Bible. It’s Emma Lazarus.
– Who is that? – Emma Lazarus wrote the poem.
– Which poem? – On the, bring me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses,
you need to break free. – Wow.
– If I may interject, have you guys considered maybe it’s both? That maybe they’re like–
– Some kind of metaduality of Lazarus references? – I’m saying Lazarus rose from the dead. Emma Lazarus is all about immigration. What if they’re using the thing to launder the souls to sort of give these souls a
second chance in heaven? – I think it’s possible. I’m really worried about anything that wants to break free. – Yeah.
– Mm, well. – I just wanted to… – Emma Lazarus, though, fun. She was a fun lady, y’know?
– Oh, I believe it. – She was fun. – Wonderful, you guys head off to your various places of employ. So you guys all go to work, Misty, you arrive at rehearsal, you walk in, Pere looks
up at you and goes, well, Miss Moore, hello! Excited for you to grace
us with your presence! Shall we go ahead and get it started? – I’d love to get it started! I perfectly, word perfect, note perfect. (all laughing) – Yeah, go ahead and give me a performance check.
– I’ll give you a performance check.
– Please roll low, please roll low.
– Oh yeah, I want you to roll low, too. Sorry. (die clatters) (player claps) – Is this a dexterity performance? No, this is a regular performance check.
– This is a regular performance check.
– I rolled a 13. – A 13! – She has a plus 10 in performance. – I have a plus 10 in performance. I did roll a three. – Oh, wow, okay.
– Wow, a plus 10. – So you go through this rehearsal, there’s all these people dressed in these crazy fairy get ups. Just this like high, schmaltzy,
“Midsummer Night’s Dream.” Perry goes, like, all
right, from the top, people! You launch into the song. (piano music) How do you navigate through a 13, ’cause it is not gonna be word perfect. – I get through the
first verse and a half, and then I just start yelling “Line!” And then I’m like, ah, ah, the beat is off, there’s
something off with this. Is this a new pianist? I feel like the beat is off. This is what we’re doing. A-five, six, seven, eight,
this is where we need to be. – You see that your piano
accompanyist, Benjamin, looks up at you and says, I’m so sorry, the beat is off? Someone help me figure this out. You see that the drummer
looks over and says, yes, if the beat was off, then, I’ll do it differently for you, Miss Moore.
– Pick it up, pick it up. – I will pick it up, I guess. – We’re singing a very slow ballad. – At the end of rehearsal, you see that Perry comes over to you and says, Misty. – Darling, sweetheart.
– I am– – Angel.
– You are a vision, and I’m wondering if there
is anything I can do, to make sure that this–
– The show as a whole? I mean, that is your job.
– No, certainly! I guess what I’m asking is–
– I just love your vision for this whole play. I just think that you’re
doing a great job. – Thank you.
– The flowers look wonderful, Bottom’s head is so expressive. – You see that Alyssa, your assistant, comes up, and goes, oh hi, Miss Moore, so sorry to bother you. I picked up these
different leaves of holly, and a couple of other things you wanted. Some salt and some other,
like these little silver– – Sure, sure, we don’t
need to do this now. – But you wanted me to sort of build– – Yeah, no. I’m having a conversation
with my friend here. – I am so sorry.
– Just bring them to my apartment, I’ll deal with it then. – I am so sorry, I’m very
so sorry, Miss Moore. – Yeah, no, I know you’re sorry. – This is so painful.
– This will never happen again.
– No, it won’t. – She turns around and
just brokenly shambles off. Perry looks over at you and says, Misty, there is nothing
more important to me than your health and well-being. – Mm-hmm.
– So you let me know, if you’re not feeling up to it. – Darling, I’ve never felt healthier. I mean, look, 800 is the new 20, you know what I’m saying? I’m kidding, I’m not that old.
– I know, you’re being cheeky. (all laughing) What? All right, let’s take it again. And you get back into rehearsal, and then Kagrash, what are you up to? – I get to the Financial District way, way, way after Ricky has left. It is daytime, right, it’s kinda early? – Yeah it’s Monday morning.
– I would like to, hopefully my son, David, is at work. I would like to swing by his house, to see if I can’t find something. – Wonderful. His house is, he lives
way out in Forest Hills. – Okay.
– So you scurry out there. – Yeah.
– Take the ferry. – You scurry out or take a ferry? – Take a ferry down to Redhook? – Yeah, so you take the ferry to Redhook, you get there however you get there. Go ahead, when you get there, make a little stealth…
– I’d like to do Pass Without a Trace at myself.
– Awesome. (die clatters) – Oh my god, 32. – Jesus Christ.
– That’s what it is, I swear. – Yeah, I’m gonna say, also you probably shift
into an actually, like — – Yeah, be myself again. – You do that, rats can fit through any opening their skull can fit through, ’cause they’re cartilaginous, so you like get in under a door, like through a rain gutter. And there’s this lovely little house. This is Forest Hills, so these are, like, one story houses out here,
(dramatic music) you’re way out in Queens. This is like the Peter Parker
neighborhood, out here. – Looks like he’s done well for himself. – Start sobbing.
– You squidge through. You get in, you see your
daughter-in-law is home right now. She’s working out of her home office, and your grandchildren are not here, they’re at school. But you see that there, up
above the little fireplace, there is a little soccer trophy, and you see there’s a
little plaque or something, having to do with someone
getting first place in a science project. – Aww! – So (beep) proud of this kid. Wish I could talk to them. Then I would like to, I guess, see if I can find David’s office, see if I can find my
old financial records, or anything like that. Look for stuff about, like, Robert, ’cause I’d worked with him before. – Yeah, absolutely. Go ahead and make an
investigate check for me. – Oh god. (die clatters) Nat 20! (group cheers) – Baby! – Oh, that’s so good, I’ve done it again. – Just so inspired by my
grandchildren’s first place, I get to be good at things, now. – Incredible. You scoot around. Your son, David, is a lawyer, who works for financial watchdog groups that basically hunt down and prosecute white collar criminals. – Mm-hm, yep. Yep, this is good, this is good. – You see that there are a number of files in his sort
of home desk office area, and there’s a closet with a bunch of those kinda legal files, y’know, like a lot of legal stuff
is still done in paper, and there’s a bunch of those cardboard legal file boxes and file
folders and stuff like that. You see stuff in the back
that’s been taped up, and you see it says, on it, Bruce Kagrash on it. Which is your name, there’s
a lot of files on there. You open it up, start to go through your files and everything like that, and you see a lot of
financial information here. You go back through a lot of deals. There is a bunch of stuff
about your old hedge fund, a lot of stuff about the deals you made. There’s some stuff there, you see signatures, like your signature, you also see signatures
from Gabriella Sinclare. As you go further and
further through these files, you arrive at deals where you remember something being made with this group, that had a long name in it, but hold on one second.
– Sure. (keys clicking) Sobbing the whole time.
– Yeah. – Just tiny rat tears.
– Just kinda tiny rat— – You have a rat lifting
up a file, like this. – Stealing from my son,
– Yeah, just imagine like– – Because technically this is mine, so it’s not stealing but
it feels like stealing. – I have boogers getting
caught in your fur. – Yeah.
– I need another burm. – You find a file with financial information in it, from an old, old money group, to the kind where they
didn’t even take meetings, they, like, called you to
come in to take meetings with them, right? Called O’Neil, Dwyer, Burns and Moses. And as you say that, you suddenly remember being at a party back in the ’80’s, where you saw that guy Robert, and heard someone refer to him out of the corner of your ear, as Mr. Moses. – Oh (beep) me! – Go ahead and make a, with that nat 20, make a history check, with advantage. (die clatters) – Uh, do-do-do, 14. – You suddenly think back, Robert Moses is a figure
of New York history, and as you suddenly realize that you never got that guy’s first name, and now you got it here, from Pete. Robert Moses is a
powerful historical figure within the history of New York. With a 14, you remember that he was not only sort of a business man, but also had a lot to
do with the civic life of New York. He was part of a lot of, never elected, but was part of a lot
of government boards, had a lot to do with the building and infrastructure of New York, specifically a lot with the building of roads and highways. – Causing interference
in the magical world. Highway hex. – You also find in these boxes back here, on top of the last box in this closet, you see there is a little envelope that is closed, but not sealed. And it says, To Dad on it. – Aww. – I read it. – You open this letter up. And start to read it. (melancholy music) Dear Dad, I don’t expect this letter will find you, before my funeral, which I would hope that you had the decency to come back to. I don’t know where you
are or why you left. Having raised a family of my own, I can tell you that it
takes a lot of bravery to steer kids right in this world, and so I’m not surprised
that you couldn’t hack it. Because I can’t tell it to your face, I’ll say it to you here. Thank you. Thank you for showing me the type of person in this world that you need to devote
your life to stopping. I’ve spent my life’s work raising kids, being a good husband to my wife, and making sure that people like you, who hurt people for profit, face consequences for it. I think I’ve come to terms
with what you did to me. I’m strong enough that this is something I won’t let stand in the way of a happy and good life for myself. What you did to Wally,
I can never forgive, because he needed you. Hope this letter finds you well and in good health. For all you’ve done, I still wish you nothing but the best. And know that everybody has a chance to turn their life around. I don’t think I’ll ever live to see yours, but here’s hoping. David. (David sighing) – I leave the letter,
because I’ll remember it. (group laughing)
– Jesus Christ. Brutal. – (beep) me. Such a (beep) man. – You finish the letter, put it down, and there’s this soft silence as this furry little rat
stands in this little closet, full of these financial
records and papers, and you hear a car pulling
up into the driveway outside. – I leave.
– You sneak out the back, afraid to see who’s probably
coming in the front door. We’ll go from Kagrash to… Buh-buh-bum… We’ll head over now to Kingston.
– Mmm-hmm. – [GM] Cool, what’s
going on with Kingston, as he gets over at St. Owen’s? – I just, I guess I gotta
get through the day. So I don’t know, I think it’s like, very like a heads down
kind of day at work. – Hell yeah. You’re getting through
your day there at work, you see that Emmy goes there, she smiles, she says,
you seen this crazy shit on Instagram?
– What, what is that? – March in December.
– What? – Shows you a bunch of stories of Ricky, running and, like, waving at people, and catching falling… As he sprints through the city. – Ooh, that boy is crazy. – Get that boy on “The Bachelor.” – I swear.
– Like, accidentally flexing. – You see she looks and
says I don’t get what, there’s just all these
thirsty women online, and a lot of thirsty men as well, and I don’t understand why he won’t let me set him up with my friends! – Is he not, he’s not, I assumed he was dating
thousands of people. – I don’t think so. I also don’t know when he would. He works out two hours a day, cardio and resistance,
gets nine hours of sleep, and works a full firefighter job, and then also has this weird hobby. He’s part of, like, this Grammar sea… There’s something in Grammar Sea he does. I don’t know.
– Oh, well, oh cool. Something cool, and in Grammar Sea? That’s a cool part of town, right? There must be interesting
things going down. – I guess so. – He’s not dating anybody? – No, not that I know. – Hey, I mean, people’s people. – You’re not wrong. You get a call on your
phone, while you’re at work. (phone rings) – Who is it?
– An unknown number. – I’ll pick up.
– Is this Mr. Kingston Brown? – Yes, and who do I have
the pleasure of speaking to? – This is officer Epona Cerillo. – Oh, what’s up, Epona?
– How’s it going, Kingston? – I’m good, how are you?
– Listen. We’re working with the
DA’s office down here, and we’re looking to
collect a testimony from you and we have no way of reaching Kagrash, and we don’t have Misty
Moore’s number on file, but basically anyone who was a witness to the events
of Santa Claus’s assault in the park.
– Mmm-hmm. – We’d love you to come
down to City Hall today, if you can, we’d like to
get a testimony from ya. – Oh, you want me to bring everybody, or you want me to just come by myself. – We’ll take whoever we can, if you have those other
people that were with you, anyone that saw it, we’d love
to try and track them down, but we can also collect
that information from you, down here at City Hall. – Okay, great. – Cool, what does Kingston do? – I guess I’ll head down
to City Hall, real quick. – Great, you head down to City Hall. As you head down there, you walk in, and you see that Epona greets you. City Hall, massive building, see there’s a golden statue on top, huge stone steps everywhere. Epona leads you up these stone steps, meets you out front. Ah, Kingston, thanks for coming down, I appreciate it.
– Of course, Epona. Happy to do my civic duty. – She clip-clop clip-clop
clip-clops her centaur hooves up the stone steps.
– Hey, does that ever get annoying to you?
– What? – The sound of your own feet. (group laughing) I don’t find it annoying, personally, I’m just, like, it’s an interesting thing. It’s like, you know, ’cause
when I put on nice shoes, and I hear, like, the tip-tap, tip-tap, like, I’m all, I like that, but I don’t wear nice shoes all the time, so it’s like, for you,
clip-clopping all the time, is it clip-clopping, is that offensive? I’m just trying to be respectful. – Hey, you know what, I understand. – I’m just trying to
understand you better, you know?
– Yeah, for sure. Kingston, I’ma be honest with you. First of all, I don’t
have feet, I have hooves. – Okay, my bad.
– That’s all right, I mean, that’s okay. Second of all, you know, I mean yeah, yes, it’s a little annoying. It’s a little bit annoying,
because it’s a reminder that this, you know, listen, this city is not built for me. – You want somethin’ for that? I can probably get a guy to make, like, a soft shoe, like a soft horse shoe. I can probably find a guy for that. – Yeah, you know, I’m good, Kingston. I appreciate that, I
really do appreciate that. – You ever want a soft horse
shoe, you let me know, okay? – (beep) Air Jordans for a centaur. – I don’t know what kind
of flubber horse shoes you’re talking about here, but, uh, these horse shoes are fine.
– Okay. – You see that she leads
you into City Hall. As you go in, there’s a bunch
of metal detectors there, you see that there is, they’re gray, kind of those beige metal detectors, and there’s one metal
detector at the far end that has a tiny little goblin
in, like, a clerk’s uniform, that it’s like, crazy
sparkling lapis lazuli, and amethyst.
– Mmm-hmm. – Hey, how’s it goin’? She goes, Epona, is this a guest of yours? She says, yeah, we’re going
into the 17th Circuit, and he goes, all right, right down here. Leads you through, sir,
you carrying any firearms, weapons of any kind? Flammable liquids, spectral entities, souls, memories, dreams? – None other than my own. – (laughs) Sometimes people,
you stepped on my joke, there, ’cause sometimes people
say I don’t have no souls, and they’re like, oh no! (all laughing) It’s crazy man, it’s good, great minds. – That’s a good one. Next time, I’ll let you
have that one, a’ight? – Yeah, thank ya, don’t step on it, next time.
– I won’t, okay. – You go through, beep beep, and you see that you walk through, Epona steps around. She leads you to a small room, and she actually looks at you and says as Vox populi, we don’t have
to actually swear you in, ’cause everything you
say is, legally speaking, admissible testimony and evidence. However, if you would like to
be sworn in, happy to do that, is there something you’d
like to be sworn in on? – Can I take off my eternal token? – Mm-hmm.
– And give it to her? – You see that she nods, and she, like, wraps your hand around it and says, Kingston Brown, offering
testimony on behalf of the city of New York. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and
nothing but the truth? To the best of your ability?
– Of course. – Wonderful, here you go. She steps into one of those mirror rooms, where you see a line up. You see there’s a line up of a giant, massive tree with a face, up against the height thing, a weird, like, what looks like a mound of human excrement with eyes and a mouth. – Like an Emoji?
– Yeah, I was thinking the same thing.
– Yeah, it looks like a weird, horrifying poop emoji, but its eyes are all yellow and jaundiced
and very bloodshot, like it just woke up. And you see there are
two, extremely tough, tattooed little pixies, that have tattoos, like,
undershirts, like tank tops, and then standing, the
fifth person in the line up, is a human who just is looking
around extremely confused. You see that Epona asks, Mr. Brown, did you witness
any of these individuals within the vicinity of the sleigh when you were adjacent to it?
– No I did not. – Okay, can you point
to any of these people that you recognize from personal affairs. – I mean, I text sometimes,
so I do recognize the excrement with eyes? As the poop emoji? At least, that’s what the kids call it. – She says, that’s very funny, but that’s just a normal excrement– – A normal what?
– Normal excrement elemental, from the sewers, so.
– That’s Kagrash’s, that’s not mine.
– If you can get Kagrash down here, this guy
actually asked for a lawyer, and when we offered a public defender, it said it wanted Kagrash. – Okay, I’ll make sure he knows about that.
– Okay, that would be great. – But I do, I was at a big
confetti wedding on Sunday, and Don had told me that those two boys, the tough lookin’ pixies, they were– – We should hold this
testimony for the DA. – Oh.
– If you wanna come with me, that would actually be great.
– Oh, great. – You walk into a side room, you see that that big thing of shit goes. (excrement gurgling) Kang, whatever little device you had is, like, blowing up. – Leave me alone, you piece of (beep). I’m in there just reading the note again. (beep) keeps texting me. – I don’t know how you have this saved, this is Buddy, is what
he’s asked to be called. But I don’t know if you have him saved that way in your phone. Cool. – I feel like you have 18
different Buddies in your phone. – Yeah.
– Buddy. – Just call him buddy, man,
different, lots of why’s, yeah. – You walk into a side room, you are seated at a comfortable table. Epona goes, hey is there
anything you want here? Like to eat, drink, coffee,
you want something else? – I’ll just take a glass of water? – Water, she goes to get
a glass of water for you. She walks back in with the glass of water, and right behind her is Liz.
– Oh, come on. – Liz Herrera walks in. She clearly knows who
she’s going in to talk to, so she has her game face on. She sits down, looks at you. Mr. Brown, thank you for coming in today, my name is Liz.
– Don’t call me Mr. Brown. Okay, okay.
– Are we gonna do this? – No, we’re not gonna–
– Are we gonna do this? – No, Mr. Brown’s ready to talk. – I’m at work. So the thing with me, here, Kingston, is that I’m at work, right now. – Okay, but… Okay.
– You see Epona puts the water down and says,
I’m gonna fully go. (all laughing) She steps out, you see that
Liz turns a recorder on, and keeps her voice professional, but is just staring daggers at you. (laughs) That’s it for this
chapter of Dimension 20. But wait! What hearkens on the wind? (mimicking bird cawing) Speak to me, bird. More full episodes of’s own Dimension 20? Available with a free trial that you can sign up for today? Hopefully our viewers are brave enough to answer the call. (imitating bird cawing) There he goes. – You said my married name, I was married. It’s Sophia Lee. I’m not anymore. – You see–
– Now I’m the crazy old woman, who’s got a cat she loves, and is shopping for self-help
books in a drug store, and I got a pocket full of Santas that spit up colorful red and green M&M’S. – Jesus Christ, I didn’t ask for your whole (beep) life story.

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  1. Please go back to beeps instead of blanks in the audio. It's so hard to keep track of the conversation with the blanks. ;w;

  2. Welcome to the OFFICIAL D20 Channel! Subscribe and ring the bell to catch all new episodes and other surprises!
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    Become a member of the CollegeHumor channel today [ ] for access to OUR ENTIRE DROPOUT LIBRARY (including full seasons of WTF101, Dimension 20, Um Actually, and more)!

  3. The backstory / history look-backing story of Bruce Kagrash made me tear up.. IM SORRY KAGRASH! You will always be my favorite!

  4. This series is so awesome. The only thing that's wrong is the people are too nice cause Brennan is too nice of a person.

  5. Now I know why I haven’t had any dreams, it’s Pete’s falt! But I love him to much to stay mad!!!!

  6. This looks super fun to watch, think I'll gonna check it out when I have time.
    Now if the playlists would be in a watchable order that would be even cooler…

  7. Hmmmm now that I notice murph's characters are the ones that show important points for narratives and story progression like rhiz gukgak.

  8. So me and my friends have a running joke that if you own a cat you are a warlock because your soul now belongs to the cat in return for happiness

  9. As soon as Ricky said he'd use Find Steed I was hoping so much that he'd just summon a giant dalmation, I am so glad that's what happened.

  10. Now I’m questioning why one of the characters isn’t a crazy cat lady who is a GOO Warlock whose patron is a legion of cats.

  11. 10:14 "This ************ can't control his ****!" I replayed that part so many times. Lou's delivery was just too good.

  12. Is there any bad ass synergy with Sofia’s multi class that I’m not aware of? I like how it’s story related, but it seems like a mess functionally if I’m not missing anything.

    Fantasy High: Kill anyone you need to. We'll pay for resurrections.

  14. 24:17 – 25:03 is probably my favorite part, I die laughing everytime I watch it! 😂 Kug is too funny & relatable, matter of fact the entire cast of characters are hilarious. Good job! 👏👏

  15. Sofia finally getting some magic powers! Her patron seems like a cool cat so I'd imagine Sofia shouldn't have a issue obeying her.

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