I used to love the Royal Family. I used to like the idea of Britain being a monarchy. And I don’t anymore. Over the last few years I’ve gotten steadily more left wing and I’ve changed my mind about a number of things, but strangely the Royal Family was one of the last things that I let go of. And for a long time I asked myself why I was so reluctant to become an antimonarchist.
But now I realise what it is. I wanna f**k the Queen. Part of my job is having conversations with
people about big ideas. I’ve chatted to people about God and gender and government and ethics and death, and in all those areas I have at least at one point successfully changed
somebody’s mind, or introduced to them a new way of seeing the topic. Frequently it also happens the other way round. But in all the time I’ve spent talking to people about the Royal Family I have never successfully convinced someone who supports the monarchy to change their mind. Ever. And so I started to get curious about why people can be so stubborn on this. If I were take a rational approach (and you
know how on YouTube we love being rational) to try to convince a monarchy supporter, what arguments could I use? Well I could make a very left-wing argument and say that you can’t abolish the class system and have a monarchy. But if you’re not already on board with abolishing
the class system, that might not do it for you. I could tell you that the way we
talk about the royals is often pretty dehumanising, reducing them just to their clothing choices, or their ability to breeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeedddddd
people take that angle, including Republic, the organisation here in the UK who are dedicated
to abolishing the monarchy. YouTube’s own Shaun did a great video on this which you should check out, and he shows that even taking into account the very common arguments that the Royal Family bring in tourists or profits from the Crown Lands,
they are in fact a massive expense. The thing is, I could mention the expense, but I don’t know if you’d be persuaded by that either cause a lot of people are just okay with that. Some people in my country are okay with spending millions of pounds on a battleship whilst
cutting funding for domestic violence shelters, for instance. At least okay enough to vote for it. Millions of people in my country are okay enough to vote for that. And I’m not, but if you are I don’t think I’m going to persuade you just by telling you I’m not. And even if they aren’t okay with it, a
lot of people might just say, “Birds gonna fly; fish gonna swim; government gonna enforce economic inequality.” I might have more luck if I made some comparisons and told you that next year Buckingham Palace is gonna be renovated to the tune of 369 – nice – million pounds whilst there are more homeless people on the streets of London than there are people in Norwich. Again though – for right now a lot of people in my country are okay with that. If you’re one of those people, you
might say “Well obviously it looks bad when you compare them side by side, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we have to get rid of the royals. We could keep the monarchy but fund more affordable housing through s-social…development…progressive
allowed to vote on who leads them. We live most of our lives in very undemocratic institutions – the companies that you work for and interact with, your landlord – really our state democracy
is a very thin layer of paint over a society in which we are used to not having control.
So if we got rid of the monarchy on the grounds that they’re undemocratic, we’d have to
get rid of all that stuff as well. Now as a matter of fact I think we probably should get rid of all that stuff, but I imagine it’d probably be a harder sell if I tried to pitch you abolishing the monarchy as part of a big revolutionary package like that. And if there’s one thing I know about my country, it’s that we never rush headlong
into massive irreversible political decisions without knowing exactly what kind of a deal we’re gonna be getting…
I don’t need to finish this joke. Some might say that a constitutional monarchy is a good thing because an apolitical head of state acts as a potential barrier against tyrants.
And for the sake of argument, I’m just going to assume that that’s correct, and not mention
that an elected Head of State could do that same job. So yes, the British monarch does
have the power to refuse Royal Assent to acts of Parliament, which they could do if Parliament ever tried to do something really bad. However, no monarch has actually done that since 1708. Which means that in 310 years, either the prevention of tyranny has not been required or those
lazy bloody royals living on benefits haven’t done their one job – neither one of which
makes the institution of the British monarch look particulary good. Some, like 19th Century writer Walter Bagehot, argue that the Royal Family represents us on the world stage, they’re the faces of Britain. But we could elect somebody to do that job. What Bagehot means is he wants those people in particular to be our representatives because he wants to f**k them. And this is the thing – no matter the rational arguments I make, everybody wants to f**k the Queen. We’re DTF HM in a heartbeat. So much so that not giving a sh*t, not actively wanting to f**k the Queen, is kindof a radical, noteworthy stance. In the essay “Royal Bodies’ Hilary Mantel says that when it comes to the monarchy we’re almost compelled to take it seriously. What they wear, where they go, what they name their kids: so much of the media about the royals presumes by its very existence that this is important. “That’s what discourse about royals comes to: a compulsion to comment, a discourse empty of content, mouthed rather than spoken.” In fact, the BBC newsreader Simon McCoy is kindof infamous for refusing to take part in this performance and openly not giving a toss about the royal family. Mr. Brooker, cue the music please!
Their Royal Heighnesses the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are delighted to confirm they are expecting a baby. I’m not sure how much news this really is, but anyway it’s April, so clear your diaries. Get the time booked off. Cause that’s what I’m doing! SARAH: Hopefully you should be able to see Meghan round about now, can you just see her? SIMON:
SARAH: She’s in a dark coat? SIMON: I KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE SARAH, WE CAN’T SEE HER. Plenty more to come from here of course. None of it news because that’ll come from Buckingham Palace. But that won’t stop us! Simon McCoy: the only man in Britain who wouldn’t f**k the Queen. Wanting to f**k the Queen is so baked-in to our national complex that when an anti-monarchist was elected leader of the Labour Party, the country’s biggest opposition and the biggest political party in Europe, it was a big deal! In barely concealed tones of outrage The Daily Express called his views, “shocking” and said that they would come as no surprise to those who branded him “disloyal and disrepectful.” WHY WON’T YOU F**K THE QUEEN, JEREMY?
Why won’t you just get in there and give it to ‘er with your socialist p3nis??! In fairness, since then the Leader of the Labur Party has said that he probably would f**k the Queen if the majority of British people wanted him to, although he would still be reluctant to c*m inside. So often, especially in philosophy, we like to think about different types of governments in terms of the moral and philosophical principles that are supposed to underlie them. Principles like freedom! And democracy! And the facts. But one of the things I’ve found in all the conversations I’ve had with people about the royal family is that is kindof comes down to taste! Some people just like having them there and hearing about them! Which is a bit of a funny way to describe somebody’s attitude towards the system of government that controls their life! But there you go.
HBOMBERGUY: Hey Olly! I was just wondering, what do philosophers think of people who think the Earth is f-
Except for James Abram Garfield. The royal family and wanting to f**k them is a huge part of – some people’s – British identity. And I could point out that ‘British Identity’ is in the philosophy jargon, “an imagined community,” or to put it in layman’s terms, “a bunch of made up bollocks.” What it is to be ‘British’ or indeed from any nation, is pretty vague and woolly and quickly unravels once you start pulling on it simply because we have a lot more in common with the other peoples of the Earth than we have differences, so once you take a step back you start to wonder why you made such a big deal out of those differences in the first place, and whether they really did divide you from your fellow human beings as sharply as you once thought. I could say that, but again I don’t know if you’d be convinced because even though “Britishness” is kindof a vague and woolly idea, it does a lot of work. Just because it’s hard to define doesn’t mean people aren’t using it politically, conversationally,
theoretically, emotionally, sexually. “British values!”
“The values our Parliament represents.” “Being British cannot be defined. But I would defy anyone in this chamber this evening to tell me that I’m not British.”
I want sexual healing.” Britishness is invoked a lot, like the name
of a spirit in a magic spell, so me just pointing out that maybe it doesn’t make much rational sense I don’t think is gonna work. And one of the major ingredients in Britishness is
an unquenchable lust for royal p***y and ass. I mean, if you stand up in the right room of people at the right time with a drink and say, “Cheers! God save the Queen!” people will join i! I’ve seen this happen, and I’ve even been like, “Hang on a minute, I know for a fact that none of you believe in God, and half of you don’t give a toss about the monarchy, so… “God save the Queen?” What’s that? What’s that? What even is that?” I’ve even had it done to me! People have gone, “Cheers Olly! God save the Queen!” and I’ve gone, “Yeah, cheers, God save th-
NO GODDAMMIT! This is bourgeois propaganda!
Hang the parasites! All power to the workers! There’s an interesting parallel between
how a lot of people see the Royal Family, and the Internet phenomenon of “waifuism.” Initially I was planning on making this comparison as a joke, but the more I researched it the
more I was like, “Oh, actually, yeah.” For the blessedly uninitiated, a “waifu,” at least as the English-speaking Internet uses the term, refers to a female anime or manga character for whom
the speaker has some affection. Originally it started as the English word ‘wife;’ it was incorporated into Japan as a loanword sometime in the 80s, and then came back to the West in the early 2000s where it surfaced on 4chan’s anime and manga board. As usual with 4chan memes, it was simultaneously
used both sincerely and ironically. So for instance someone might post a picture of Ryoko
from Tenchi Muyo Ryo Ohki with the caption, “Mai waifu,” and by that mean that she’s
their favourite character, or they find her cute. Somebody else might post a picture of Mike Rugnetta, with the caption, “Mai waifu,” just because memes.
And of course, extended debates can be had about which character makes the best waifu material. The correct answer being, of course, Satsuki Kiryuin. Some people indulge in waifuism casually or
for fun; others appear to take it very much more seriously. If you browse the waifuism subreddit you’ll find people asking whether it’s okay for them to watch pornography or date real girls if they’re in a committed relationship with their fictional waifu, and there’s no way of telling whether those posts are sincere, but if they’re not they’re a pretty serious commitment to the joke. You’ll also find some people saying apparently sincerely that their relationship with their waifu helps them overcome social anxiety and provides a kind of emotional fulfilment that they can’t get from real-life interactions, and it that’s true then… Who am I to judge? I’m just a parasocial character in a YouTube video. I’m probably somebody’s waifu as well. I suppose… ‘husbando’ I think would be the male term. Waifus do have to be fictional, at least according
to the waifuism subreddit, and Elizabeth Windsor is a real woman, but the royals are surrounded by this mythos, by these constructed stories, and they are the figureheads of this imagined community of Britishness so I don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to say that the Queen is like the British State Waifu. We’ve Nationalised waifus! And just like waifus, for some people it’s just a bit of fun, and others take it really seriously. And want to f**k them. Okay – seriously though. I’m using sex as a kind of Leftist meme magic shorthand for desire. Obviously there are plenty of people in the UK who wouldn’t literally f**k the Queen like Simon McCoy, and Shaun, and anybody who’s asexual. But my point is, a lot of people want to be associated with the royals: they wanna know them, they wanna know about them, they wanna be close to them, they wanna be *very* close to them because the royals have prestige.
And we love celebrities! Elizabeth is serving up some looks!
from Drag Race that the makers of that show themselves appropriated from Ball Culture?
Answers on a postcard please. But this why so many people don’t care about the democracy arguments, or the cost, and it’s why the Americans love the royal family too! Prestige is sexy, and it’s tough to get more prestigious than royalty. The psychologist Carl Jung gave an interview
to the New York Times in 1912, in which he said, “You think your young girls marry
European husbands because they are ambitious for titles. I say it is because, after all,
they are not different from European girls; they like the way European men make love.”
And I say those two desires aren’t necessarily that far apart. Or confined to women for that matter. But just like beauty standards and standards
of s3xual attractiveness, the prestige of the Royal Waifu is more easily associated with some people than with others. For instance, when you imagine a prince, what do you picture? Probably a tall, white, cisgender, able-bodied man; conventionally handsome; some kind of a military uniform or maybe probably nowadays a suit, some sort of European accent; if he is from the North of England he probably doesn’t sound like it… Or maybe you think of Prince. But again, very sexy. Britishness, or the idea of Britishness that
includes the royal family stuff anyway, was made for people like me, who still disproportionately
hold power in this country. In fact, when Prince Harry got engaged to Meghan Markle he actually had to issue a statement asking the British media to please stop being so casually racist about his mixed race fiancé, who Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson said could bring “exotic DNA” to the Royal Family. B r e e d So evidently some people can more easily assume the prestige of the royal family than others, even when they’re literally in the process of marrying in, and those of us for whom it is very easy to assume that prestige have the strongest
incentive to hold on to the institution of monarchy. I mean look at me – I make this
look good, and who doesn’t wanna look good? It’s people like me – people with privilege – who see ourselves reflected in the glint of the crown jewels. And in my case… well, let me give you a history lesson:
FUN FACT FOR PEOPLE WHO READ THE SUBTITLES:
I had to edit this music in at the last minute because the other version got hit with Content ID! King Charles II died in 1685, leaving no heir,
but he did have a lot of illegitimate children, one of whom was a woman named Anne Fitzroy; Charles’ daughter by his mistress the Duchess of Cleveland, In 1674, Anne married a man named Sir Thomas Lennard, 15th Baron Dacre and subsequently Earl of Sussex, Master of Chevening Mansion
and Herstmonceux Castle. Anne and Thomas had children, who survived, who had their own children, who had children of their own, and Charles’ royal blood was passed down the line of history. Through time and bad luck and Sir Thomas’ gambling habits, they lost the mansions and the titles and the castles and nowadays the official resident of their ancestral
home in Chevening Manor is Boris f*****g Johnson. But, Charles line survived. And one of those descendants I actually happen to know the identity of. You see some people say that Contrapoints is the Queen of YouTube; others that Hbomberguy or Dan Olson are the woke Kings we should
recognise. Worthy rulers all! Before whom I would gladly get on my knees. But there
is actually another YouTuber whose veins really do flow with ancient royal blood. Who really is, no jokes, descended from Kings. The long-lost illegitimate Stuart heir, who can trace their lineage back
through generations of aristocrats and nobles, right to Charles II, and beyond through centuries of British royalty. The Bastard Prince of YouTube, revealed at last. Me. And I want my f*****g mansion back, Boris! The point is, if anyone has a reason to want to maintain the sexual allure of monarchy it’s me. And yet. I did change my mind. Not because of democracy or even cost really, but because of what the monarchy does. It tricks us into feeling closer to the people who really run the country than we actually are. If you want to be associated with the prestige of a normal celebrity you can buy their perfumes, buy their T-shirts, watch their movies, get their trainers, get their T-shirts, support their Patreon campaigns so you can appear in the credits of their shows. But if you wanna be associated with the prestige of a royal celebrity you have to first of all not publicly question the institution of monarchy, and secondly internalise this vague sense of Britishness, which can obscure some important truths. For instance – what are the things that we could change about Britain that would make my life easier? My family doesn’t have wealth and titles
or castles anymore, there are no piles of ancestral gold and this is not my horse, she’s just a very good girl that I borrowed for the afternoon! So what would make my life easier is things like lower rents, better wages, jobs, social services being funded properly, universal healthcare – all the stuff I need to get on in life. And what are the things that would make life better for somebody who isn’t British, an immigrant who arrived yesterday? Well it’s all the same stuff! So we should be natural allies! Even though my country is at times very anti-immigration most people have most of their material political interests in common with immigrants. And what are the things would make life easier for the people who actually run the country? Well our MPs are disproportionately landlords, or have controlling stakes in businesses. Their interests are disproportionately lower wages, higher rents,
more work for less pay, tax cuts, and privatising social services so they can sell them off to their friends! AND YET. Somehow, millionaires and the slimiest
dickheads ever to slink across the face of these sceptred isles have convinced millions of people that they’re just like us; and those immigrants, they’re not like us, because
of this weird drug, Britishness, which we’re all doped up on. And the royal family isn’t the only ingredient in it, but they are an active subtance. But does Britishness keep the lights on?
Can I eat my sense of national pride? Will it keep me warm? Will it heal me when I get sick if we crash out of the European Union and have to start stockpiling medicines? No. It’s just a trick. Britain, I’m sorry to say it, but your waifu is trash. In his video essay “Waifuism and You,”
which gets pretty edgy at times, YouTuber J.T. Sexkik writes, “You know what all this
stuff is? It’s f*****g walls. Walls that you put up to protect yourself from getting
hurt by other people. That’s all it is. You go, “I don’t wanna be social and go
to parties anyway: that’s what normalf*gs do. I don’t want those people to be my friends
anyway: they’re nerds. I don’t want a girlfriend anyway: girls are all sluts. My
2D waifu is all that I need.” See that’s not a lifestyle choice, that’s f**kin’
denial. That is crazy denial. It is walls. Walls, walls, walls, walls, walls, walls,
walls, walls everywhere, walls like the mother**king fist of the north star. And though these walls
may protect you they imprison you as well.” So how fitting for me to be an heir to the
Stuarts, a royal line that is now dead. What a fantastic allegory for the Royal Family in general: to have inherited this grand legacy that is ultimately just an empty symbol that I can use to trick
other people, and myself, into thinking that I’m special, when really I’m not. And that can kinda suck. Believe me, I know better than most that it sucks to be sold that you’re special and then realise that you’re not; to realise that everything you were given on the basis of that empty specialness is actually kindof an unfair advantage. In Leftist circles when we talk about privilege and coming to realise that we have it we don’t often mention that checking your own privilege is not a fun and s3xy time. It sucks to find out that in fact we do not live in a meritocracy and so your position relatively closer to the top of society is an unfair advantage that will have to be given up. It imperils the soul a little bit. It’s kindof like when somebody tells you that they’re a vegan and you get a little bit uncomfortable because if they have strong moral reasons for doing that well then that might mean I’m in the wrong. And I hate being in the wrong! Nothing wilts my erection faster than injustice. And yes, the requiem for privilege should be played on the world’s smallest violin! But I think that we lose ground to the right by not acknowledging that subjective suck; by exposing the trick but not offering anything genuinely special in place of it.
So remember Anne Fitzroy? Charles’ daughter? She married Sir Thomas… but she left him!
For a woman! She had a lesbian relationship with a Noblewoman named Hortense and was sent away to live in a convent in Paris in disgrace, where she subsequently had another affair with rampaging 17th Century sex chad Ralph Montagu! And outlived her husband! She’s my ancestor too! That amazing brave woman! That is a legacy I’m proud to bear: a history of following the heart (among other organs) and being courageous, that means more than any royal gold that mingle in these veins. In Shakespeare’s “King Lear,” the character of Edmund – the second-born bastard son – has this amazing monologue where he rails against royalty and nobility and he says: Thou, Nature, art my goddess; to thy law
My services are bound. Wherefore should I Stand in the plague of custom, and permit
The curiosity of nations to deprive me, For that I am some twelve or fourteen moonshines
Lag of a brother? Why bastard? wherefore base? When my dimensions are as well compact,
My mind as generous, and my shape as true, As honest madam’s issue? Why brand they us
With base? with baseness? bastardy? base, base? Who, in the lusty stealth of nature, take
More composition and fierce quality Than doth, within a dull, stale, tired bed,
Go to th’ creating a whole tribe of fops Queen Elizabeth II will probably be dead pretty soon;
and Charles is technically next in line although he doesn’t have quite have the same big d!ck energy as his Mum, does he? When the Queen does die there’ll probably be a period of national mourning, but it could be an opportunity for us to just…not crown the next one. The death of our longest reigning monarch will take us from a state in which nothing can be done to one in which suddenly anything is possible again! Instead of a coronation we could spend that money on anything; we could give it to the NHS; we could spend it on education; we could buy a whole load of apples and carrots for you! We could have a massive pissup in Buckingham Palace and anyone who makes minimum wage gets free drinks all night. We could do any number of things, any one of which would be more fun, and sexy, than watching a septuagenerian put on a shiny hat. I do think that ultimately whether we keep the royal family won’t come down to a rational argument, it’ll come down to just how horny the British public is.
But if I can let go of the royal kink, then baby, anyone can do it.
Jauchzet, frohlocket! Jauchzet, frohlocket! auf, preiset die Tage,
Rühmet, was heute der Höchste getan!
Good girl, don’t get agitated. It’s okay. Yeeeeah! You put me off, didn’t you! No, you were very good. You’re a sweetheart!
Good girl! Take it easy!
Don’t give me those ears! That’s good. Very good. Just a little bit more, okay. Are you a manual or an automatic, darling? Good girl. Good girl. Thank you for being so patient. Yeah you just wanna be the star, don’t you? You’re the first guest I’ve had on the show in a long time, you know! Don’t give me those ears!
Don’t give me those ears 🙁
uWu doooon’t give me those eearrrrs 🙁
It’s okay. It’s okay. Don’t give me those ears! It’s okay!
There you go! That’s nice! You’re just like Marilyn Munroe: you act up and then as soon as the camera turns on you’re perfect!